Saturday, May 10, 2014
Another's Mother's Day has rolled around and I'm still in the Wait. The Wait has been one of hardest things I have ever lived through. It's brought a large amount of growth. It's brought closer friendships. It's brought hard conversations. And it has brought me to my knees pleading with God to move mountains, to make a way for my family to be together, to allow me to fulfill the promises I have made to Him, to myself, to my husband and to two little people who I have given my heart to.
But, we are still here in the Wait. The Wait has also brought a lot of pain, A lot of heartache. A lot of tears. And it has brought me to my knees begging and pleading God to make a way and as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months the Wait has also brought doubt, frustration, intense pain. And anger. These are not warm fuzzy fun things to feel.
But, here we are at another Mother's Day weekend - the third since we started this process - and this is by far the hardest one of them yet. I have so many reasons to be thankful and to celebrate this day. To someone from the "outside looking in" it would appear I have every reason to love Mother's Day & to celebrate big. I have four beautiful children that God has blessed me with. I did not endure endless months of fertility struggles although I did endure days when I wasn't sure if myself or my children would make it past labor and delivery. I have been given the gift of watching these four amazing children grow and blossom into some pretty incredible - and sometimes trying - individuals.
And, anyone from "the outside looking in" would be correct that I do have every reason to celebrate and that I should indeed celebrate being a Mother. But, then why do I wish more than anything else that tomorrow was just another day and that there would not extra emphasis on Mother's? Why do I wish I could just close my eyes, cover my ears and make it all go away?
Why? Because the Wait has been slowly stealing my joy as well as bringing all of those not so warm and fuzzy feelings. The Wait has told me that I cannot be full of joy and celebration because of what is missing. But what the Wait fails to understand is that even in these uncertain times there are so many things to celebrate and to be joyful about. It is hard to remember this in the day to day but it is still true. There is much to be thankful for and to celebrate and it is ok to do so while aching for what is missing. The Wait would want me to believe that I cannot be happy or joyful while people who are so important are missing. But the Wait is wrong. It is possible and indeed it is ok to be celebrate.
I can celebrate the four children I have been able to carry in my body and have the privilege of raising every day. I can celebrate the fact Graham and Olivia are my children even if they are not in my arms tomorrow. I can celebrate my own Mom, my husband's mom and our grandmothers that have all played such an important role in our lives. I can celebrate that these women are playing a significant role in my children's lives today. I can celebrate the women who carried and gave birth to two children in west Africa. I can celebrate that they chose life for those two children. And I can celebrate that I have been given the privilege to be their Mom. I can celebrate Mama T who has selflessly been loving and caring for my children until I am able to hold them in my arms forever. I can celebrate that each of my six children has experienced, in one way or another, the love of a mother.
And, while I celebrate all it means to be a mom and all the women who have played a mothering role in my life it is still ok to ache for what is missing. Celebrating doesn't mean all the pain is negated or gone. But wallowing does not acknowledge all the good that is in my life.
I will hope and pray and hit my knees pleading with God that this is the last Mother's Day in the Wait. That this time next year will be pure joy and celebration and that there will be no ache for who is missing. But, for this year I will choose joy and I will choose to celebrate even if doing so through bittersweet tears.