Yesterday was an odd mix of emotions for me.

I am over the moon happy and excited that we have accepted our referrals. That we have pictures to look at and specific kids to pray for. Picking out names, talking about room situations, reading books and educating ourselves on what is to come in our family - all of it is an amazing experience.

And then there is a little bit of sadness that creeps in. While we are excited and happy here our kids lives are being turned upside down. They're being moved in with foster families instead of living in an orphanage. This is awesome in the long run as they are able to experience family life, be fed, dressed and have attention. But, how confusing must that be? I will be forever grateful for my kids' foster family and I hope to be able to give them a hug and expressed my gratitude in person. So, yes, I'm happy for my kids that they will be living with a family but sad that they are experiencing another disturbance in their little lives. Another unknown, another new place, another new situation.

I keep reminding myself that in the midst of my excitement they may be filled with confusion. I hope the transition to a new home is smooth and I hope they are able to be happy and thrive there. I hope the family is able to love them unconditionally while we wait.

And while I'm excited there is also a longing. A longing to hug them, squeeze them, love them and have them know that *I* am their Mommy. That our home and our family will be the LAST new home they have to come to and adjust to. I want so badly for them to have that knowledge, to know they are loved and prayed for. Every day that passes is another day that I miss out on being their Mommy, another day that I miss out on seeing the daily changes in our daughter in these early stages of her life, another day that we don't get to experience as a whole and complete family. Every day we wait for more paperwork and progress on our case is another day they become attached to other people. People that we will eventually take them away from and the fact that we will cause hurt to them when we do that hurts me.

Adoption can be so beautiful but it doesn't come without loss. Adoption can be redeeming but it certainly isn't without pain. Adoption can be so romanticized sometimes but it is also hard. It comes with a mix of emotions for both us and for our kids we will bring home. So, today I'm praying and hoping for an expedient and ethical process. That we are able to bring home our kids as soon as possible. I'm praying for a loving and caring home and family for E & M to live with while we all wait for their government and ours to finish the necessary steps in this process.